Adderall Emotionally Numb, Addicted To, Trying to Quit, Enormous Impact, Practically

I was prescribed adderall a few years ago for mild ADD, 10 mg once a day, and it was great at the time. My grades went up and everything else was good for about a year. I decided, though, that I wanted to go off of it, as I was sick of feeling like I relied on a pill.
Well, I went off of it, for the next couple of months I started getting panic attacks and depression more and more frequently until I reached my worst point-- for 5 days I couldn't eat, sleep, or even get off the couch. I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror and felt no joy at all whatsoever.

After that for about a year things were okay, but I wasn't quite myself. I didn't enjoy things like I once did, and I was plagued by constant worrying about things that I didn't need to worry about.
Soon I started taking it again, and became addicted again for a few months. Once again, went off of it, had a bad few months, things got a little better.
Then I started again. Now, for the past few months I go through weeks at a time when I take it and weeks I don't. I'm trying to quit once and for all.

My point is that this drug really had an enormous impact on my life. It changed me in a lot of ways I didn't like, made me sort of emotionally numb-- in fact, the only time I felt pleasure and joy was practically when I took the drug.
I am not the kind of person who gets addicted to things easily, and I'm not sneaky or secretive, but let me just tell you:
The other day (since I don't fill my perscription anymore), I wanted some adderall and I actually picked the lock on my mom's drawer to get to hers.

That's extremely out of character for me, and it freaked me out.

Nobody ever warned me about this drug, and people act like it's no big deal, but it almost made me kill myself.

Other than that, I have always been an honest, happy, motivated person.