Celestrial symptoms and conditions

I have been taking Geodon for about 4-5 years. I was diagnosed with schizophrena in 97. I had tried Seroquel and Zyprexa prior but quit because I still heard things. I saw things. I had disillusions. On top of this, I have extreme anxiety as a symptom. I saw my doctor as a drug dealer trying to take my money. At $240 an hour, he probably was.

After 2 years of being off the medicine, I was quite a mess. In retrospect, my psychosis was influencing my thoughts. In an attempt to be normal by not being on medication, I had reached a whole new definition of abnormal thinking. I justified it by thinking I was a psychic and not psychotic. Hey, if spirits spoke to John Edwards, why not to me. They do make sense sometimes. They are just intrusive.

I came to a point of depression. I had never thought of killing myself before but it became an obsession. I just wanted it all to end. So back with the doctor and he prescribes me Zoloft and Geodon. The Zoloft had to go after 2 weeks because it made me extremely anxious. Anxiety causes increased thoughts and more anxiety.

I stayed on the Geodon. My doctor said that 120mg was the theraputic dose but I take 80 at night. Does it help. I guess. I have forgotten how I was before it. I still hear voices but my anxiety is under control. I can sleep at night when I take it without feeling like I am privy to some celestrial conversation. I haven't layed in bed worrying for years. I forgot a pill last week and had a restless sleep and that isn't fun.

I get hateful thoughts when I am getting close to the night. Anxiety starts to build and I am uncomfortable for a few hours. It takes about 3 hours for me to have an effect. I don't have the side effects other than insomnia when I skip. Sleep is impossible.

The major problem I have been having lately is with my memory. I feel like I am living life with a chemical labotomy. I can study for tests and pass but then forget the material shortly after. I can't remember if today was yesterday or a week before. This could be because I'm getting old though.