Underlying depression symptoms and conditions

When I started my little emotional rollercoaster @ age 35, they classified me as being bi-polar with generalized anxiety disorder. I put myself into a treatment center after feeling like I was going to go crazy. I used to work in the medical field and I should have known better. They doped me up on 1000mg of Lithium, and 9oomg of Depakote. Lithium can be hard to regulate and dangerous; coming from a person who can sneeze and lose two pounds Depakote just turned out to be a fat pill (180 to 210 in three months). I went through the guinea pig stage Every SSR they put me on had a very bad side effect, Paxil being the worst. After two days of taking it the racing thoughts and feeling out being out of control made me want to jump out the window. I could not even call 911 as I felt I would go even more insane. I really almost did not make it through it. I discussed it with my new Dr. and he suggested Lamictal. I have been on Lamictal for over 4 years at 300mg a day. It has stabilized my moods but I still argue with the doctor about my diagnosis as I feel I am more Cyclothymic , my mood swings are not as pronounced and can last from a few hours to a few days. Since first taking the med I noticed the memory loss, my train of thought going out the window, bloated, the feeling of having a fever, but not. One of the most important affects, if I am an hour or so late from my regular scheduled dose I get dizzy and my shoulders and neck start to tingle and get numb. Just two weeks I requested an increase in the dosage to 400mg to see if it would help with my underlying depression that every other combo has not addressed. Since then I have been a bit more of a whack job. (Emotionally)Two days after the increase I had a very hyper mania day, I had to leave work early for fear I would lose control of my mouth, do or say something very ADHD. I took two days off and seemed to be fine after that. This Sunday I went downhill as soon as I woke up. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t and I did not know why; I felt void of emotions except for sadness, lacked the energy to want to deal with people, even my other half, wondering why I was even here. (Physically) I have noticed heart palpitations and muscle spasms in my face and arms. I looked up side effects and found this site and wanted to add to it. I have tried just about everything out there that I can and nothing will really work as good as this one. Combos with it do nothing for me either. It really freaks me out that the thing I am taking so I do not feel the way I do is making me feel that way to the extreme. I am letting my Dr. know that I will be taking myself off this dosage.