I have recently been diagnosed with severe depression with ADHD (...

I have recently been diagnosed with severe depression with ADHD (inattentiveness) which is now suspected to be due to the depression. I also have OCD which I can remember symptoms of, since chilkdhood. I was placed on Paxil, in my early twenties, to treat OCS, and anxiety. It helped with the anxiety at the great expense of a complete loss of sex drive, imagination and ideas, motivation and lethargy. I also put on a nasty amount of weight and lost passion for things. I took myself off Paxil, dangerously, cold turkey. In my late twenties I discovered ephedrine and felt "clear." I went to my doc who promptly switched me to Ritalin, concerned by my self medicating with the infamous and deadly ephedrine cocktails that are commonly used in the fitness industry to drop weight, among other things. The Ritalin, while not as much impact as ephi, seems to help. Now in my 30's,assuming I, like many of my relatives who have been diagnosed, have adult ADHD, juggling a career, wonderful relationship, friendships and my fitness lifestyle, I was sent to the Psychiatrist again to treat major depression that was exasperated by a recent stressful work situation, a job that I have since quit. I have been on "trials" with drugs such as Wellbutrin, Dexedrine, and Cipralex. After feeling stoned on my first week of Cipralex, I have been placed on Wellbutrin XL 300mg, and Dexedrine spansules, 20 mg x 2 daily. In the beginning, while feeling "foggier" It showed much promise. My Doctor told me that the brain fog (which I ironically enough have been trying to combat with Ritalin) would subside after about a month or two. Miracles did not occur. I guess I expected one. I thought meds would bring the hop back into my step and song into my heart again. Not the case. In the beginning, I did notice less downers, less fear of what others thought of me, less obsession with perfection in every eay, and less self blame and shame. I was beginning to feel saved. After 5 months, things went downhill - worse than before I sought out help. It has been 6 months on Wellbutrin and Dexedrine (occasionally switching to Ritalin in hopes of identifying which more successfully lifts the fog) I am miserable... I am losing my confidence with driving - this is creepy - I find that what was normally automatic responsed (ie: Red means stop and Green means go) It now takes me a few seconds to remoind myself what means what as I approch each intersection. Tell me this wouldn't make anyone feel retarded. Last week, I had a hard time organizing 2 identical stacks of 4 papers that needed to be stapled together. I had to recount them, re-arrange them more than once to make for certain that they were as they should be. This freaked me out and now my new employers are beginning to notice my slowness with things, I have also become even more paranoid that others in the office are out to take my job, regret hiring me, or are conspiring to fire me, unhappy with me performance. This hyper-sensitivity became obvious to my employers when they approached me about their deep concern of watching the confident take charge woman they hired for a senior position, "wither away and become overly apologetic and meak." My heart is breaking. I now think of doom, failure and death on a daily basis. I won't harm myself physically but I am tormenting myself emotionally. I can't tell you all how much energy it is taking me to write this. I have NO energy or drive. I lost passion for things including my pets who now just piss me off. I lost a lot my compassion for others, keen imagination and passion that I was known for. I don't care that I have not returned my friends and families phone calls. I am becoming a real loser, so to speak. My ADHD seems to be at its worst. My brain literally feels like there are cotton balls stuffed behind my forehead, behind my eyes, causing pressure and foggy loss of sharpness, wit and clarity. It feels that if I could just remove the cotton, All the clarity would be "there." Reading an earlier post by someone else describing her symptoms as a "head full of cotton balls," has inspired me to add my own 2 cents. My doc has added a prescription for Cellexa, that I am to add to my Wellbutrin and Dexedrine cocktail. I feel like what makes me me, is dying. My fiance is concerned that I am become someone else, not me. My employers are wondering where the woman is they hired back in May. I have always struggled with self esteem issues but I have learned to fake confidence until I can build it for myself. Also, I have come to the belief that everyone suffers from some level of vulnerable or low self-esteem. Some are better than others at compensating for it or covering it up behind an armor or wall of false acts of confidence. I no longer get the highs I once enjoyed when making a sale, creating success for my clients and my company. I no longer feel driven to achieve and grow. The desire is still there, but I can't seem to summon enough motivation or energy to undertake anything as simple as calling a client. I am beginning to feel like I am dead inside. I need to talk to my employers but it is hard to have others understand or empathize when in comes to mental illness. There is still so much prejudice and ignorance associated with it. Those who don't understand it or have experience with it, fear people who have it, presuming that we are unpredictable and dangerous I feel guilty killing a spider... The weight loss has been great - I went from an athletic 127 lbs at 5' 4" to a very toned 118 lbs. I am hoping that it is more to do with my Yasmin birth control pills that I have also been placed on, 6 months ago. I am now wondering if they have anything to do with it too. I feel as though pills are being made out to sound like the answer. Here's another pill, and another pill and another one... I fear that the more pills I take, the more lost the real me becomes. I fear that one day I might not be able to get her (me) back. Anyone else share the above? God Bless us all, we need it!