I've been on Paxil for almost 9 years. I suppose it's a success ...

I've been on Paxil for almost 9 years. I suppose it's a success for me because it has kept the depression away most of these past years. I'm on the maximum dose - 40 mg a day. I've always been an over-achiever, a type A personality, friendly...with the Paxil I am lazy, no longer care about details, VERY friendly. My home used to be pristine and comfortable....now I rarely put things away, there are stacks of books, magazines, and 'stuff' everywhere. Because of the mess, we haven't had visitors in our home for YEARS! I used to host parties on a regular basis in our home but these days I would die of embarrassment if anyone saw my home! My memory is shot...I can't remember names, faces, details...seriously, I can watch a movie over and over again because I NEVER remember the ending! My sleep cycle is shot as well. In years past, I only required about 5 hours of sleep. On Paxil, I don't fall asleep so I take lots of over-the-counter sleep aids to fall asleep and they knock me out...I can't wake up until almost noon! I MUST take the Paxil at the same time each day otherwise the "zapping" starts. It isn't painful...just very annoying. On the positive side, I have achieved many great things because I'm no longer apprehensive about public speaking. I've chaired several successful fundraisers for charities. But because the memory loss has become so profound, I'm no longer capable of chairing these types of events. I've gained weight but it may be due to having thyroid cancer & having the entire gland removed...metabolism is shot. I've only tried to go off the Paxil once but the depression resurfaced immediately and I cried for days on end...it was frightening! Of course I went back on it. Speaking of crying, when on Paxil, it's almost impossible to cry! The tears just won't come. Now for the really scary part...the effect of the Paxil on my depression is not what it used to be....but I'm on the maximum dose! I've tried several other meds but they just don't work as well. So what in the world will happen when it doesn't work for me anymore? That black hole called depression is the last place I want to be.