I started Wellbutrin in the beginning of December. Someone very c...

I started Wellbutrin in the beginning of December. Someone very close to me passed away and I developed severe anxiety with some depression. I took some control of it with simply taking Ativan, but the doctor insisted I get on something for depression as well. I didn't really understand why I need to take a pill when I was just fine before this event.... but ok, I agreed. I was prescribed Wellbutrin XL 150 mg. I was optimistic about it. She said it might improve my focus, give me some energy back, had no sexual side effects. I took it in the morning, and usually with at least something in my stomach. The first 3 days of taking it, I was severely unstable. I think if I didn't have my boyfriend, I would be dead right now. I would cry uncontrollably, for no reason, pace, have terrible anxiety... I remember going through my closet, throwing things around, looking for a belt, throwing a few on the bed and taking one and tightening it around my neck.. I then walked around and was looking for a place to hang myself.. Luckily my boyfriend got home because he had a bad feeling about what was happening with me... otherwise I, to this day, do not know what I would have done. After the first 3 days... things sort of calmed down... sometimes I would feel "better" in little spurts the first week. I also had my sex drive for the first 2 weeks and it was good. I still wasn't "happy" but the medication wasn't doing any significant harm. In the 3rd week, I lost interest in nearly everything. I didn't want to step foot outside. I stopped talking to my family, stopped answering my phone, I would lay in bed for hours, thinking of depressive things. I began eating, a lot. Constantly. Which shocked me since it is supposedly supposed to suppress appetite. I stopped going to school. In the 4th week, and last, things gradually, and then quite suddenly just went downhill. It started with me becoming very agitated, snapping at everyone. My mental clarity was out the window. When someone said something, it took me a long time to register it, if I ever did. Sometimes my boyfriend would look at me after saying something and I would realize, oh my god, he said something... I really didn't hear/listen anymore. I was brain dead to everything except these horrible thoughts of just wanting to die. As the days progressed in the 4th week, I became more and more depressed. If I had to describe it, I would say it was a mental breakdown. I would cry hysterically over nothing. Absolutely nothing. I couldn't think of a single reason. I would start to cry while brushing my hair, while eating, sitting, watching a movie... I would cry 20 or more times a day. I really wanted to die because I could not bear it anymore. I felt like this was the end and it was going to end.. I wanted to inflict injury on myself, but focused my thoughts on more "permanent" damage -- suicide. I became obsessed with buying a gun. I swear if I had one, I would not be here. I would hit myself, all over my legs, while sobbing uncontrollably on the floor. Days later my boyfriend would ask where the bruises came from because it would be in such a weird area that there was no way i walked into something... and I would tell him I had no idea, and I didn't..... until later I realized it was me, hitting myself.... I felt very depersonalized. I felt unpredictable and I felt that I was not sure what I was going to do next, I was afraid of myself and very paranoid. I lost my appetite and never wanted to eat, thinking of food made me nauseous. I felt sick to my stomach. My anxiety was through the roof. My mind wouldn't stop spinning with thoughts, repetitive... until eventually it lead to another breakdown. With my luck, it reached it's worst around the new year when everything was closed and I couldn't get a hold of anybody. I desperately called mental emergency facilities but all they said they could do was commit me for at least 72 hours and I didn't want that. I just wanted this to end, NOW, not be trapped in another hell hole. My mental doctor was closed so I tried to see my primary care and he was too afraid to mess with anything and told me to double my ativan dosage (WHAT! Because of Wellbutrin, I went from taking .5 or less mg of ativan a day to taking 2mg or more and still, it barely did anything!), so I went to the ER, and they did nothing, except tell me that the only way to help me would be if I went to a hospital for 72 hours. I said NO. It is ridiculous to allow someone to get this bad, and to not help them immediately, instead leave it up to them, to either be placed in some state run down mental facility or kill themselves that day. I got a hold of my doctor the next day and she switched it immediately.