I have been taking zoloft for 14 years for panic disorder with mi...

hello - I've been trying to search all over the internet for feedback from people weaning off of zoloft, and your post caught my attention because it sounds like your heading down the same path I was.

Now - please - don't take what I say to apply to your situation because everyone is soooo different, esp when it comes to meds and moods and such. I would hate if you had a bad experience based upon anything I said - but just wanted to share my situation, maybe some of it will be helpful to you or somebody else.

First off I will say that right now I am doing this ALL WRONG because I stopped zoloft cold turkey about a week ago. But with the return of my libido which I never thought would come back (and truthfully - I didn't even remember what I was missing!) I really do not want to go back to taking it, even if just a little bit. well, it's really more than libido - not to sound like I am a nympho or something! It's more like all my emotions and feelings, including sexual and other physical sensations as well - for instance it feels nice to touch and be touched by my husband... and not related to sex I mean... anyhow - I feel like a veil has been lifted - like I've been numb for such a long long time. Part of this is good, part bad. I'm becoming very emotional about things again - which can be good - for instance I feel more intense about my husband and kids again - or bad - I'm crying very easily over the slightest sad thing or stress... but really - what I am realizing is that I have been numb for so long and that is just no way to go through life!

Now that I've jumped to the beginning - will give a brief summary of my story. I've been on antidepressants for over 15 yrs. Had a major depression after losing a very close friend after his long battle w/AIDS, and then a very intense relationship not working out - and I sought help for the first time. I discovered (or so I thought) that I have probably had at least a low level of depression for my whole life. I was first put on prozac and the effects were nothing short of amazing. I felt like I was finally able to be the person I really was inside all along. I excelled at my job, took several leadership positions in my church, made many more friends than I've usually had - just generally was doing better in all aspects of my life it felt. Since I wasn't in a relationship the sexual side effects weren't a big deal to me and really I think they start out mild and then get more firmly ingrained as time goes on. So to give the "cliff notes" version - I went from SSRI to SSRI over a number of years. The pattern seemed to be: would start one and it would generally be effective, then over time would need to keep increasing dosage to get the same effect (somebody tell me why this is not a definition of addiction?)... so then would transition to another and then another - I think I've pretty much taken them all over the years. One time I tried to go off and take St. John's Wort instead and that didn't go very well, so again became more convinced that I would need medication the rest of my life and resigned myself to dealing w/ the side-effects - at the time the most problematic were weight gain, and the sexual side effects, very increased sweating (on my head - I would be just dripping on hot days), and very gassy most of the time.

fast forward to 5 yrs ago when I gave birth to my twin sons, followed less than two years by my daughter... all along I stayed on meds, I think I was on prozac during and after the pgcy w/ the boys and then switched to zoloft for my daughter - I think at the time there was beginning to be evidence surfacing of potential adverse effects to babies born to moms on prozac, and zoloft having a short half life seemed to be more acceptable if I wanted to nurse too. I never had severe PPD (thank goodness!!!) but after my girl I did have rather intense 'baby blues' for several weeks that was pretty awful. All along, same pattern, gradually going up on dosage of zoloft til I had been at the max for a while and it no longer seemed to be doing the trick. So we added in wellbutrin. I'd tried wellbutrin some years earlier, I think on its own, I forget - but wasn't convinced it helped any. Well, I still am not convinced that it was helping but my dr. was reluctant to change things lest we have a bad experience - and so pretty soon I'm on the max dosage of welbutrin and zoloft. Oh yes - during all this time I had been convinced I was also ADHD (in fact tested 'positive' on standardized testing, etc. for this) so did ritalin for a while, then adderall which first time around I did not like. Also, all along with this - there was my situation which was very stressful. After struggling to have "a baby" for many years (which was itself extremely depressing), all of a sudden it seemed these 3 children landed in our lap. My husband and I both work full time too and live in an area I would consider high-stress (DC area). So it was hard for me (and my dr.) to really be able to say whether my meds needed adjusting or if my situation was such that anyone would be struggling. Lately, the last year or so - I've just been doing very poorly and feeling pretty bad (even having rando suicidal thoughts at times, nothing I would have acted on but just feeling, like the kids and hubby would be better off w/o me, collect the life insurance and hire a professional (nanny 911 - LOL!) hello - I've been trying to search all over the internet for feedback from people weaning off of zoloft, and your post caught my attention because it sounds like your heading down the same path I was.

Now - please - don't take what I say to apply to your situation because everyone is soooo different, esp when it comes to meds and moods and such. I would hate if you had a bad experience based upon anything I said - but just wanted to share my situation, maybe some of it will be helpful to you or somebody else.

First off I will say that right now I am doing this ALL WRONG because I stopped zoloft cold turkey about a week ago. But with the return of my libido which I never thought would come back (and truthfully - I didn't even remember what I was missing!) I really do not want to go back to taking it, even if just a little bit. well, it's really more than libido - not to sound like I am a nympho or something! It's more like all my emotions and feelings, including sexual and other physical sensations as well - for instance it feels nice to touch and be touched by my husband... and not related to sex I mean... anyhow - I feel like a veil has been lifted - like I've been numb for such a long long time. Part of this is good, part bad. I'm becoming very emotional about things again - which can be good - for instance I feel more intense about my husband and kids again - or bad - I'm crying very easily over the slightest sad thing or stress... but really - what I am realizing is that I have been numb for so long and that is just no way to go through life!

Now that I've jumped to the beginning - will give a brief summary of my story. I've been on antidepressants for over 15 yrs. Had a major depression after losing a very close friend after his long battle w/AIDS, and then a very intense relationship not working out - and I sought help for the first time. I discovered (or so I thought) that I have probably had at least a low level of depression for my whole life. I was first put on prozac and the effects were nothing short of amazing. I felt like I was finally able to be the person I really was inside all along. I excelled at my job, took several leadership positions in my church, made many more friends than I've usually had - just generally was doing better in all aspects of my life it felt. Since I wasn't in a relationship the sexual side effects weren't a big deal to me and really I think they start out mild and then get more firmly ingrained as time goes on. So to give the "cliff notes" version - I went from SSRI to SSRI over a number of years. The pattern seemed to be: would start one and it would generally be effective, then over time would need to keep increasing dosage to get the same effect (somebody tell me why this is not a definition of addiction?)... so then would transition to another and then another - I think I've pretty much taken them all over the years. One time I tried to go off and take St. John's Wort instead and that didn't go very well, so again became more convinced that I would need medication the rest of my life and resigned myself to dealing w/ the side-effects - at the time the most problematic were weight gain, and the sexual side effects, very increased sweating (on my head - I would be just dripping on hot days), and very gassy most of the time.

fast forward to 5 yrs ago when I gave birth to my twin sons, followed less than two years by my daughter... all along I stayed on meds, I think I was on prozac during and after the pgcy w/ the boys and then switched to zoloft for my daughter - I think at the time there was beginning to be evidence surfacing of potential adverse effects to babies born to moms on prozac, and zoloft having a short half life seemed to be more acceptable if I wanted to nurse too. I never had severe PPD (thank goodness!!!) but after my girl I did have rather intense 'baby blues' for several weeks that was pretty awful. All along, same pattern, gradually going up on dosage of zoloft til I had been at the max for a while and it no longer seemed to be doing the trick. So we added in wellbutrin. I'd tried wellbutrin some years earlier, I think on its own, I forget - but wasn't convinced it helped any. Well, I still am not convinced that it was helping but my dr. was reluctant to change things lest we have a bad experience - and so pretty soon I'm on the max dosage of welbutrin and zoloft. Oh yes - during all this time I had been convinced I was also ADHD (in fact tested 'positive' on standardized testing, etc. for this) so did ritalin for a while, then adderall which first time around I did not like. Also, all along with this - there was my situation which was very stressful. After struggling to have "a baby" for many years (which was itself extremely depressing), all of a sudden it seemed these 3 children landed in our lap. My husband and I both work full time too and live in an area I would consider high-stress (DC area). So it was hard for me (and my dr.) to really be able to say whether my meds needed adjusting or if my situation was such that anyone would be struggling. Lately, the last year or so - I've just been doing very poorly and feeling pretty bad (even having random suicidal thoughts at times, nothing I would have acted on but just feeling, like the kids and hubby would be better off w/o me, collect the life insurance and hire a professional (nanny 911 - LOL!) so still hard even tho I rationally know this is not true).... still feeling sleep-deficit quite a bit, I don't know if you ever get past this once you have a couple kids or more - LOL! so still hard situationally.... but basically I had no joy in anything anymore -- not doing well at my job, or as a mother or wife - just generally feeling like a failure at everything which is sooo NOT me.. I felt like nothing made me happy, nothing interested me, I was just struggling through each day trying to keep it all together for my family and my job…... started discussing w/ the dr. about taking abilify as I'd heard that some have good results adding that in.... so he wants to add that AND keep everything else the same (I was kind of hoping it would replace one of the other drugs!) so now I'm looking at being maxed out on wellbutrin and zoloft, adding in abilify, and taking adderall mostly daily, albeit at a fairly low dose. I just felt like - this has to STOP At some point! I mean I had been discussing w/ my dr. for a while how I just felt like I was soo “medicated” just this really medicated feeling….when I asked about abilify it was kind of a last desperate effort to find something that would work medication-wise. So with all this - I was feeling so bad anyway - I thought - how much worse can it be really, to go off of the zoloft (since that was the one causing the worst side effects). Oh, I forgot to mention-- which illustrates my situation - my short term memory had slowly deteriorated too – it was really AWFUL, I felt like I was just losing it many days. I would set something down, turn around in the kitchen to do something else - forget what I was going to do AND forget about the thing I'd set down and then scour the house for 30 min. looking for it. Stuff like that was happening ALLLLL the time, like 10-20 times a DAY. I would forget what I was saying in mid-sentence - at home AND at work - talk about embarrassing. Again, a lot of this I chalked up to the situation -- who wouldn't be scattered and forgetful w/ working full time, taking care of a house and 3 little ones who were very high-energy . . and distracting me from whatever I was doing or thinking a lot of the time…. lot of stuff to think about and keep track of and I have never had organization as a strong point! So this memory stuff added on top of all the other things I was suffering through - it was really awful.

So I got the sample of abilify, took the Rx to be refilled. After taking it for a couple days and finding it made me have a really bad headache and just feel strung out - surprise surprise, I misplaced it (along w/ 2 checks from xmas that still had not been deposited - see more illustration of my haphazard unorganized forgetful life) I could not for the life of me remember where I had put either item – looked all over for a couple wks before finding in the glove box of the van (oh yeah, that potluck we went to, I knew I’d probably leave my purse sitting unattended so took those two things out – but I still only have really really vague recollection of even doing that!) Anyhow I have yet to pick up the Rx for abilify.. and at the same time - decided to try to just stop the zoloft. I know it's not a smart thing to do but really - I thought (and still do think) - how much worse can I possibly feel or act? As it turns out - my sex drive came flooding back stronger than ever (I have since read that this happens w/ many) and that alone has made the last week pretty happy (for my husband too ;-) seriously, we had sex like once every two mos or so and that was when I could just no longer avoid it. and it always seemed like such a big production - no pleasure at all anymore and of course - orgasms were things waaaaay in the past. my poor hubby he has been so very patient with me, I just about tear up now thinking how much he truly loves me to have put up w/ all this stuff so long.

So now... I have the little zappy/dizzy feelings... but so far I don't think my dreams have been any more disturbing. I actually am starting to feel a bit less scattered - like I will still forget something just by turning away for a bit (like at work where I'm often juggling several things at once ) but now I feel like I can find where I was and pick it back up whereas before it was like that thought was gone forever. Have since read, as well, that other people have experienced the short-term memory loss and overall adverse effects on memory and such. I kept saying my 3 kids had taken half my mind and I was probably never gonna get it back. And again - truthfully - they do say that your brain does shrink w/ each pregnancy, and then there is the fact that there is so much more to remember and do w/ having to take care of all these little people besides yourself... so understanding if you are scattered or forgetful. but now I'm feeling more and more that the drug had more to do with it than anything. I also am feeling a lot more emotion – as I said – good and bad – and quite rapidly jumping to extreme anger or irritation at my kids (but come on they are 3 of the most willful, stubborn, yet smart cute and funny toddlers you will ever see! Man do they make me crazy sometimes! But I love them more than my life!) anyhow, I am learning to just step away from them when I feel an extreme reaction coming on. And I’m researching other ways to help me control my (bad) emotions in a more appropriate way. Just came across someone talking about “Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)” and it says: “DBT is a technique designed to counter extreme emotional reactions before they lead to overwhelming anger, depression, anxiety, and stress-related ailments.”

So I’m going to look into that, as well as start exercising, meditating, and maybe going back to see a therapist just to help sort things out. I didn’t mention, but I did see a therapist for quite a while when I first started the prozac back 15+ yrs ago. I must have seen her for about 5 or 6 yrs, it was very helpful for much of it – but I think I was doing better at sorting stuff out and in the end I had become kind of “friends” with her and felt like I would miss her if I stopped therapy – but I do still think I didn’t need it anymore at the time. Thinking now though that I could *really* use some feedback on this whole parenting thing which has turned out to be waaaaayyyyyy more difficult than I EVER would have imagined! And family relationships in general. I want to find someone who is supportive of my efforts to go off the meds though. Not sure whether my old therapist would fit this bill, I am going to call her and see – at the time I was seeing her I wasn’t all that concerned about being on meds for the rest of my life but now, as I’ve described –I honestly feel like they are making my life worse than helping. It’s like all of the things that were a problem when I was depressed (low self confidence, dealing w/ emotions appropriately, depression, ADHD, etc.) are all back now in full force anyway despite all the meds – so what do I have to lose? It’s ironic that the very things I started on the meds to help, the drugs themselves now seem to be causing or at least contributing to. I do need to really keep track of whether I get any self-destructive ideas as I’ve heard can happen, and also not to let a spark of rage get away from me w/ my kids such that I harm them or something (which I am far from at the moment, but want to be aware of in case). I think a therapist could help and again – I am so incredibly blessed w/ my wonderful husband, who is being so very supportive. He’s had to talk me down a few times when I’ve lost my patience w/ the kids and say – it’s OK, it’s not you, it’s the situation, it will get better.

So here I am - I am on welbutrin still at 300 mg, and taking 20-40 mg of adderall a day too (which also I kind of feel like is leading down a path similar to addiction - I mean, it's like a meth amphetamine right? and again - what would you call anything else if you kept needing more and more of it to get the same effect. if it's alcohol or cocaine they call it an addiction but when it is a "therapeutic drug" of course the dose just needs "adjusting". Anyhow, the adderall helps me focus a lot and I don’t want to rock the boat too much. Already kind of anxious about my next dr. appt for med evaluation where he is expecting to see whether the abilify is helping – and telling him – I’m not taking it and oh by the way – I quit Zoloft cold turkey too and I’m NOT going back to it. He is kind of like a little old lady and I know his intentions are good and he’s knowledgeable but he is old school w/ meds – understandable since as a dr. I think he is still driven by the pure desire to help people feel better – and the SSRIs have been such an amazing treatment advancement for so many people. I mean – hey – wouldn’t we all just love to be able to “take a pill” for whatever ails us – very easy solution (I have a friend who, any time anyone excuses themselves to use the restroom –jokes “Oh, I take a pill for that now” funny! - but I think we as a society want to find a magic bullet for everything and for some things – it just takes hard work and trial and error to find your way through.)

So I have blathered on and probably been of no help to you. Truthfully – I don’t journal or anything anymore, and I think this has probably been of more help to me just to get it all down on paper to look at. But your situation sounded so similar to mine – being on Zoloft long-term, having the terrific demands of new twin babies (I’m sorry, only another twin mom really understands how hard it is!), and considering adding another drug to your treatment. I’m not at all advising that you not do it – and I do think maybe the wellbutrin was helpful to me (and now since I kicked the Zoloft to the curb I feel at least I am still taking the welbutrin as sort of a safety net)… but maybe try to be really aware of how you are feeling, and especially any side effects – do not just dismiss them if you think you notice them. I have seen SO MANY people write in these forums about the weight gain after going on SSRIs and their dr. being ADAMANT that oh, no, that can’t be from the prozac/Zoloft/paxil, whatever. In my mind now – that is a bunch of BS! Sure part of it may be weight gain, as I know mine was in part – because you are no longer feeling depressed and are enjoying eating again or whatever. But I don’t think that explains all of it. My point is that if you believe or feel the meds are having some sort of effect on you and your dr. dismisses it – keep researching until you are comfortable w/ your assessment. That’s another thing – dr’s will often dismiss things their patients bring to them – the first fertility dr. I went to would roll his eyes at me and say condescendingly “Oh, I see you have been on the internet again.” (Jerk!!!) Sometimes I wonder what we DID before the internet – I have found it such a tremendous help esp. w/ all the medical treatments when we were trying to get pg, and the parenting issues, health things w/ the kids, etc. – there is just nothing like hearing about another person’s experience w/ a situation and heck – w/ the online communities – no matter how strange your issue may seem – you can almost instantly find dozens if not hundreds of people who have dealt with the same thing. Of course you need to be discriminating and not take the first person’s experience you find as the answer – but I think when you are able to compare notes so to speak w/ many different people – you often see answers to your questions begin to emerge.
if you've made it this far in this long litany - you are a trouper! I wish you all the best and hope that things work out. Please e-mail me if you have any questions about my experience w/ specific treatments - I am happy share if it will help, as long as it is clear - they are my experiences and your experience may be different. take care!

APOLOGIES -- it appears I accidentlly cut and paste part of my post twice, I started typing here finished in word and then cut and pasted it - I am SO SORRY! hope you can weed through the duplicate part. had taken so long to write I just hit "post" w/o checkign it out! sorry!!!