As many of you have I started Fentanyl for chronic back pain and ...

As many of you have I started Fentanyl for chronic back pain and neck pain. My nurse case manager suggested it as she had been on it for 3 years and thought it was great. I started out with 50mcg for 3 days each patch. First patch I was a little drowsy feeling but by the 2nd I was used to it and it seemed to help a little. Enough that I had increased my walking and was hoping to help strengthen my back. Now to the horror, my calves continued to ache. At first I thought it was from the extra walking but it would not go away. Then I had the sweats and would just soak a T shirt while I was sitting in my recliner, then I would freeze to death. I thought something was wrong with my air conditioner. Then trouble sleeping and just 1 thing after another until the depression and anxiety started. I am disabled and my wife is a nurse so I'm home along a lot so I hid it. I would sweat like crazy and shiver and be so cold then get so anxious that I would lay down in be to try to rest and paw at my covers and even my clothes. I was either too hot or too cold. I would pace the floor so anxious I thought I was going to loose my sanity. The silly thing is that I was not putting together as being the Fentanyl. Our son had been diagnosed with a very bad brain cancer about 6 months before and I thought it my be partially from that. I fought it for a couple of weeks behind closed doors, although my daughter had call mom and said what is up with dad? He is having some type of problem. Well, to try to cut this to a manageable sized document I finally had to wake my wife up in the middle of the night shaking, crying and pulling at my clothes saying I'm *** and I don't cuss like that. She had warned me not to try this med but I was desperate to be pain free or at least able to manage it and be half way normal. She got me to the doctor and at first they were gonna cut my 50mcg down to 25 for 2 weeks and then go to 12.5 for 2 weeks. My depression and side effects were so bad that they wanted to stop putting Fentanyl into me asap. So I went 3 days with the 25 and 3 with the 12.5. I have been climbing the wall since Wednesday and have none in me except the residual and hopefully it will be out in a week or so. I just want to say that my depression is something that I cannot even explain. I ball and blubber like a baby at times for no reason. I cannot even see or talk to my kids on the phone because I just come apart. I'm constantly beating my self up over my mom dying from Alzheimers as if I could have done something. I think of times when the kids were small and literally want to go back there. It's not like saying hey remember when we used to do (whatever) I literally want to go back there. I know in my mind that it is impossible but I just cry to go back to the farm where my dad and mom lived. Mom has been dead for almost 10yrs. The doc gave me Ativan to take the edge off a little and Clonidine for chills and sweats. I've been off of it (Fentanyl Patch) for 3 full days now and the depression is still unbearable but the other side effects are a little better. My body aches were pretty bad last night though as I think about it. I just wish some one could tell my how long it will take me to get back to my self, good sense of humor and loves to have fun with my family. Thanks *****