Topamax and new year

Hi All, I am a 37 year old mother of 4, with a history of severe Hemiplegic migraines (up to 14 a month). I've been on Verapamil and Topamax for 7-8 months with a gradual increase of the Topamax to 150 mg a day. Before I start writing this I have to preface it with two things: First, Before Topamax I was one of those women my friends refer to as a "Supermom", I home school my kids and used to love it, we normally have a lot of fun and I have a successful, happy marriage. Second, on Topamax, I went from 14 migraines a month to 0. It didn't happen over night, they went away as we ramped up the dosage, but for the last few months I have had no migraines, I can feel it occasionally when my head is fighting one off, but nothing an Advil won't stop, and for those of us who've lived with trying to care for kids while having migraines (especially Hemiplegic) you may understand why I initially put up with the following: I started out with the tingling in my hands and feet (that went away in a couple of months), word finding difficulties (which never really went away, I just learned to accept it),occasional blurred vision which never lasts very long but which has been an issue the entire time I've been on the med, and weight loss ...I am 5'4" and was only 118 lbs to start with, and have nearly "disappeared" into a size 0 and 105 lbs, and it doesn't matter how much I eat, I've been trying 3 meals, snacks, cookies, candy, you name it, I can't gain weight. I was never nauseous, no diarrhea, I just don't get hungry... I had to start wearing a watch at one point to remind myself to feed the kids, because if they didn't ask, they weren't getting lunch until 2:00 because I wasn't getting hungry! Soda does taste like metal (fortunately I don't drink it normally anyway), and you do get loopy with one glass of anything alcoholic.
Then to add to the lovely appearance of skin and bones, my hair is falling out. Before Topamax I worked out regularly, I am even on commercials for my gym (recorded a year ago), since Topamax, I was so tired, depressed, and so afraid of losing weight that I stopped working out. Now a woman who has always made it a goal to set a good example for my daughters that a fit body is the goal, not a thin body, has her mother in law telling her that she looks "bulimic"! In August I noticed I was crying a lot, then I thought well, maybe it's the Topamax, so I started drinking more water and it went away... so I've been very careful to drink A LOT of water and only decaf tea while on this med, but apparently that wasn't enough, because a few weeks ago my husband pointed out that I stopped showering every day. I have been crying at the drop of a hat for a couple of months again, and I have never been someone to cry in public, I have even started crying in front of my daughters friends' mothers and near tears in front of her teacher over the littlest things... then last weekend I found myself with four hours to myself in my house for the first time in months and I was thinking about how I might be able to use it for unspeakable things like running away, or worse... if those aren't signs of a pretty severe depression I don't know what are, fortunately I recognized them and put them together with the memory problems, etc. As for the memory loss, there have been problems with that for months as well, my daughter has been telling me I "have a bad rememberer" , This weekend everything culminated and other people were recognizing the memory issues that I had been keeping private until now (including my husband). Before that, I would be in the kitchen cooking and forget what I was doing, I went to drive to a party this weekend and forgot where I was going, so I called a friends husband and he had to tell me four times where to go before I could retain it (at first he thought I was joking) and then I still couldn't remember the name of the place, only the # and street, I haven't been able to remember routes to places I used to drive... I'll find myself sitting at a light not sure where to go, and making mistakes with our money because I forgot whether I did or didn't pay a bill (something I've never done, we have always had excellent credit). On Topamax I went from feeling like an attractive, successful, good mom,with a happy family... to constantly stressed, even by things I had previously enjoyed doing, and a completely depressed failure... but I had no migraines. I have now been weaning off the Topamax for a few days. I was playing phone tag with my neurologist... so due to the urgency of the problem I took myself down to 100 mg a day. I have since spoken with my neurologist and I am going off of it completely... by the way don't ever discontinue this med without ramping off of it, doing so can cause a seizure. I am unbelievably grateful that I put 2 and 2 together the weekend I had time to myself and got lost going to the party and I already feel more awake, less tearful and depressed... I know that things will be ok anyway. I hope that anyone reading this who is having memory or emotional issues on Topamax and just brushing them aside (because they don't want to risk going back to the migraines or whatever), will get off this med. Please realize that this med could have cost me, my kids and my husband a lot more than my migraines ever will. I have never experienced depression before Topamax, and I can't say that I'm completely back to myself yet, but I hope that when I am off this med I will find normal again, and I pray it will be without migraines, but I know that I wouldn't wish these past few months that I've put myself and my family through on anyone. Now, I need to go take a shower :) , then I'm going to my neurologist to pick up some 25 mg samples to continue ramping off! Good luck to you all!